Октомври

небето се разпука като кестен
над кърваво-златистия парад
от листа по мокрия асфалт и тази есен.

дълбоки стъпки-белези в калта,
оставили в земята мимолетни рани,
се изпълниха с кръвта-вода.

и с тежък дъх на гнило и на дъжд
той долетя като червена птица,
прострял крилете си над всичко. изведнъж.

и в следващия миг светът си спомни
сред този пръв пронизващ маскарад на есента -
октомври. октомври. октомври.

Свободна

... И нека който грях не е извършил,
той пръв да хвърли камък върху нея.
Тя дала е, но не и свойта същност,
и от никого тя даром не е взела.
Живот на птица-скитница, летяла
към хоризонтите на толкова морета...
И по своя тежък път е спряла
само да погледа към небето.
Все още няма я тежащата умора
и нищо тя не носи на крилете си.
Все още мъничките земни хора
не могат да я стигнат със ръцете си.
Тя не е бягала, тя само е летяла.
И в нейните пера живее вятър.
Не е поискала да бъде снежнобяла,
затова изцапана е с цветове на лято.
Тя ще умре сама - като орлите,
последния си дъх поела в полет.
Но още, още дълго ще се скита
с живителния дъжд на всяка пролет,
и с неговите капки ще достигне
до малките криле на таз след нея.
Ще ги изцапа с цветна кал и ще надигне
перата в тях. И вечно ще живее.

Fear

I reached the conclusion that I am afraid of myself. That's the original reason for my phobia of being alone and being left. There is more to it, of course, but originally that's where it came from. I am afraid of myself, but I am not sure exactly why. Maybe I fear the things I might do, or what I might become. Or just what I am, deep down. This dark side I couldn't show even if I wanted to. It's too deep. Of course, that's a good thing because I wouldn't want it out. Still, I know it's there. Somewhere down there is that thing that makes me fear myself. And I don't like the fact of it being there. Maybe because it's not me. But the higher probability is that it's exactly me.

What is fear, anyway? Just a part of the fight-or-flight instinct? Probably. But isn't that just the physical kind of fear, meant to protect you? There is another type of fear, fear that is about fear itself and has nothing to do with the psychological alarm that tells you to run. I can't really describe this kind of fear, but I have felt it. Like when I lie without moving and it suddenly overcomes me for no actual reason and paralyzes me. I can't even tell what I'm afraid of. Could it be just myself again? Or is it just beyond my comprehension...

Forever

Forever is the one word that contains hope and despair. It contains all kinds of pain and every type of love (and they have a lot to do with each other sometimes). Forever. The true meaning of it is actually something unthinkable to a human being. It's just so much bigger than a human life or a human mind. A part of me wishes to grasp it, to feel it, to know it. But the other part is so afraid. If human beings weren't afraid of forever, would they be able to understand? Sometimes I fell like I have my own little forever inside of me, but I can't touch it or truly feel it. I think I could never see the true nature of it, even though there are times when I feel like I can.
Forever. I guess it's a concept too huge and complex to be fully understood - containing everything and nothing. Maybe it's something like an absolute state of mind: being, seeing and feeling everything, everywhere, any time. Having all the questions and all the answers (I could hardly imagine that). However, absolution means absolute loneliness... No. Aloneness.
The word 'forever' makes me think of infinite space and time, infinite being and infinite emptiness. Actually 'emptiness' is my first association. I'm not sure why exactly. Forever is supposed to contain everything. But it's also completely empty.
And I am afraid. There is so much more.

Freedom

Catch me if you can
I'm falling free
I am free
More than any man
Has been or will be

Didn't you know
concrete angels cannot fly?
You are free
Until you fall
How does it feel to die?

Let
me
go.

Grasp

This image has been in my mind for quite a long time now (wonder why...), so I just drew it.


The original picture:




Photoshop-ed a bit:








Photoshop-ed a lot:

The Thin Line Between Pain and Pleasure

The original picture...




... and Photoshop-ed a bit...








... and Photoshop-ed a lot. XD

анти-дъждовно настроение

стига толкова облачни стихове,
стига толкова ритми за дъжд.
искам песен от моите викове -
неприкрити от мен да струят.


п.п. ъъ, не... май нямам обяснение за това.