In the Limelight

ти
с твоите движения
които оставят след тебе
следи
златисто-кафяви
и дълбоки
дълбоко
в тъмносиньото
на завесите
ти
в кутия от дърво и кадифе
се взираш в прожектора
и той в теб
и
ти
събаряш стени
чупиш стъклени завеси
докато
музиката се вкопчва в теб
и те движи
докато трае магията
ти
мълчиш
шепнеш
викаш
ти
и погледа ти
дълбоко-златисто-кафяв
ти
и гласът ти
ти
и завесите
ти
и светлината
ти
ти
ти
и
аз
някъде там
до пианото
слушам
и тихо
потъвам
към теб

If

If I were a swan, I'd be gone
If I were a train, I'd be late
And if I were a good man,
I'd talk with you
More often than I do

If I were asleep, I could dream
If I were afraid, I could hide
If I go insane, please don't put
Your wires in my brain

If I were the Moon, I'd be cool
If I were a rule, I would bend
If I were a good man, I'd understand
The spaces between friends

If I were alone, I would cry
And if I were with you, I'd be home and dry
And if I go insane,
Will you still let me join in with the game?

If I were a swan, I'd be gone
If I were a train, I'd be late again
If I were a good man,
I'd talk with you
More often than I do

Обзел ме е някакъв странен вид паника. Особено в момента. Но и по принцип.

Buried Alive

Take the time just to listen
When the voices screaming are much too loud
Take a look in the distance
Try and see it all

Chances are that you might find
That we share a common discomfort now
I feel I'm walking a fine line
Tell me only if it's real

Still I'm on my way
(On and on it goes)
Vacant hope to take

Hey!
I can't live in here for another day
Darkness has kept the light concealed
Grim as ever
Hold on to faith as I dig another grave
Meanwhile the mice endure the wheel
Real as ever
And it seems I've been buried alive

I walk the fields through the fire
Taking steps until I found solid ground
Followed dreams, reaching higher
Couldn't survive the fall

Much has changed since the last time
And I feel a little less certain now
You know I jumped at the first sign
Tell me only if it's real

Memories seem to fade
(On and on it goes)
Wash my view away

Hey!
I can't live in here for another day
Darkness has kept the light concealed
Grim as ever
Hold on to faith as I dig another grave
Meanwhile the mice endure the wheel
Real as ever
And I'm chained like a slave
Trapped in the dark
Slammed all the locks
Death calls my name
And it seems I've been buried alive

Take you down now
Burn it all out
Throw you all around
Get your fuckin' hands off me

What's it feel like?
Took the wrong route
Watch it fall apart
Now you're knockin' at the wrong gate

For you to pay the toll
A price for you alone
The only deal you'll find
I'll gladly take your soul

While it seems sick
Sober up quick
Psycho lunatic crushing you with
Hands of fate

Shame to find out
When it's too late
But you're all the same
Trapped inside, Inferno awaits

Evil thoughts can hide
I'll help release the mind
I'll peel away the skin
Release the dark within

This is now your life
Strike you from the light
This is now your life
Die, buried alive

Ами ако не бях...?

Първо всичко гореше, после всичко тлееше. Есента догаря. Само че есените догарят бавно, затова има още много време до зимата.
И после всичко имаше някакъв жълт оттенък като в онези сънища - дори небето и паважа. За момент даже се изплаших, че може би сънувам, защото не бях виждала нещо такова наяве. Не мислех, че наистина става. Но така си беше - жълто, или може би жълтеникаво, съвсем всичко. Като наложено върху всички други цветове. Още се чудя дали не е от мен, дали нещо не ми се е объркало с очите. Но мисля, че не, защото когато излязох навън, не беше жълто.
Даже беше синьо. Липсваше ми синьото небе, а рядко съм виждала по-синьо от тукашното. И имаше красиви облаци.
Чудех се на коя страна да гледам, винаги ми се случва, когато слънцето залязва. Все едно искам да видя всичко за последно, преди да стане тъмно и да не си личат цветовете. А те като за последно са още по-ярки.
За момент се зачудих да се обърна ли. Обърнах се. И в главата ми от само себе си изскочи, "Господи, ами ако не бях погледнала?"
Случва ми се за втори път днес. Ами ако не бях останала?
Вече става тъмно, малко по малко. Дните са от нещата, които умират най-красиво.

Октомври

небето се разпука като кестен
над кърваво-златистия парад
от листа по мокрия асфалт и тази есен.

дълбоки стъпки-белези в калта,
оставили в земята мимолетни рани,
се изпълниха с кръвта-вода.

и с тежък дъх на гнило и на дъжд
той долетя като червена птица,
прострял крилете си над всичко. изведнъж.

и в следващия миг светът си спомни
сред този пръв пронизващ маскарад на есента -
октомври. октомври. октомври.

Nobody Home?

I've got a little black book with my poems in
Got a bag with a toothbrush and a comb in
When I'm a good dog
They sometimes throw me the bone in

I got elastic bands keepin' my shoes on
Got those swollen hand blues
I got thirteen channels of shit on the TV to choose from
I've got electric light

And I've got second sight
I got amazing powers of observation
And that is how I know, when I try to get through
On the telephone to you, there'll be nobody home

I've got the obligatory Hendrix perm and the inevitable pinhole burns
Now all down the front of my favorite satin shirt
I've got nicotine stains on my fingers, I've got a silver spoon on a chain
Got a grand piano to prop up my mortal remains

I've got wild staring eyes
And I've got a strong urge to fly, but I got nowhere to fly to
Ooh, babe when I pick up the phone there is still nobody home
I've got a pair of Gohills boots and I got fading roots


no, he said. you could never get over it completely. it will always be there, no matter what you do and where you go.

so just don't lose it, don't get to the point where you have to start trying to get over it, i thought, and i picked up the phone.

"and that is how i know
when i try to get through
on the telephone to you
there'll be nobody home"

i needed to ask so many questions. still, i didn't have the courage to ask all of them. but i will because there is nobody else to answer them. however... so what if i have the answers? it changes nothing. it doesn't change the beeping signal of the phone or the quiet echo that lingers after the song is over, somewhere deep down inside, so deep that it feels like outside.

still i need answers, or at least i want answers, and anybody's answers won't do.

it seemed that he knew the reason behind every question, and that was strange... and it felt strangely fine, like a part of me doesn't really mind it. i guess it is so.

i feel like smashing the fucking phone against the wall. or smashing my fists against a tree, just like back then when we were kids. or simply smashing something.

or hugging someone. no matter who. someone who needs a hug and wouldn't mind getting it from me.

he didn't mind.

how did that happen?

and how did this happen?

what the fuck is happening?

no, i don't need help nor compassion. and no, i'm definitely not going back there. but no, i don't want to be the past. i don't want to be a bad memory. i want to be there. i want to keep my promise. i hate, hate, hate breaking promises. and i feel like i've broken some... and have to repair them.

can i?

i won't ask him that. this question is for me to answer.

he said it means to care enough to forget yourself, and to only observe and know, and understand. and accept. i added that last one... but i think he meant that too.

"when i try to get through
on the telephone to you
there'll be nobody home"

or maybe i'm not calling hard enough.

who cares about the fucking black book and elastic bands and what not anyway? this is a selfish song, but you don't feel it when you let yourself sink into it. and then you become selfish too. and that's not what he said the purpose is.

only if i could get one more answer. not from him, though.

Есен

И ето я вече, златна, красива, необратима и малко тъжна. Но слънцето е още тук, така че тъжното не се усеща. =)







П.П. Честит рожден ден, сестричке. =) Нека твоята есен да е много, много хубава. ^^

One

Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame

You say
One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without

Well it's
Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head?

Did I ask too much?
More than a lot
You gave me nothing,
Now it's all I got

We're one, but we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again

You say
Love is a temple
Love - a higher law
Love is a temple
Love - the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't keep holding on
To what you got
When all you've got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters, brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One...
One...

Свободна

... И нека който грях не е извършил,
той пръв да хвърли камък върху нея.
Тя дала е, но не и свойта същност,
и от никого тя даром не е взела.
Живот на птица-скитница, летяла
към хоризонтите на толкова морета...
И по своя тежък път е спряла
само да погледа към небето.
Все още няма я тежащата умора
и нищо тя не носи на крилете си.
Все още мъничките земни хора
не могат да я стигнат със ръцете си.
Тя не е бягала, тя само е летяла.
И в нейните пера живее вятър.
Не е поискала да бъде снежнобяла,
затова изцапана е с цветове на лято.
Тя ще умре сама - като орлите,
последния си дъх поела в полет.
Но още, още дълго ще се скита
с живителния дъжд на всяка пролет,
и с неговите капки ще достигне
до малките криле на таз след нея.
Ще ги изцапа с цветна кал и ще надигне
перата в тях. И вечно ще живее.

Fear

I reached the conclusion that I am afraid of myself. That's the original reason for my phobia of being alone and being left. There is more to it, of course, but originally that's where it came from. I am afraid of myself, but I am not sure exactly why. Maybe I fear the things I might do, or what I might become. Or just what I am, deep down. This dark side I couldn't show even if I wanted to. It's too deep. Of course, that's a good thing because I wouldn't want it out. Still, I know it's there. Somewhere down there is that thing that makes me fear myself. And I don't like the fact of it being there. Maybe because it's not me. But the higher probability is that it's exactly me.

What is fear, anyway? Just a part of the fight-or-flight instinct? Probably. But isn't that just the physical kind of fear, meant to protect you? There is another type of fear, fear that is about fear itself and has nothing to do with the psychological alarm that tells you to run. I can't really describe this kind of fear, but I have felt it. Like when I lie without moving and it suddenly overcomes me for no actual reason and paralyzes me. I can't even tell what I'm afraid of. Could it be just myself again? Or is it just beyond my comprehension...